I think about my own or others' deaths every day. I plan funerals in my head. I've always done this, i.e. since I was a child. I think it helps me distill my feelings for people. Once I read on social media that a preoccupation with death can be associated with ADHD but never found any research to back that up so don't know why.
That's so interesting Rosa! Planning funerals - what would you like your own funeral to be like? I would say my own preoccupation with death are largely related to suicidal ideation, and the feeling of not wanting to be here/alive, rather than feeling preoccupied with the moment of death itself.
I think death was present in my childhood from as long as I can remember due to the tragic early deaths of both my grandparents before I was born and the long lasting impact it had in our family. I think when you realise how cataclysmic it can be, it holds your thoughts.
I strongly relate to this sentiment too Grace. When I’ve had bouts of anxiety and depression my suicidal ideation is always about death - I’d say that my children by and large are the ones who keep me tethered. Not that they know it..but I know from my own experience, that when someone dies by suicide the pain is passed on. I know my life hasn’t been the same since my friend decided to die in that way...and so it’s grounding to know, actually, I don’t want them to have to live the pain I wasn’t able to process.
These things are so important to talk about aren’t they.
To think there are so many people living with these thoughts in their head by are scared to express them (like I was) for fear that I’d have my children take away from me.
When actually, what we so desperately need is help. Help with the load...but I think that’s another post 😊
I was very drawn by the concept of FUNeral, which I fully embrace.
I love the idea of death, it's the reward for getting through life and dying. My idea of heaven is that I'd be switched off from my murkier thoughts and suspended in absolute nothingness. Hell, for me, would be the construct of Heaven that I was brought up with - I'm not great with crowds. The issue I really have is with dying, not so much the pain as the loss of independence, and dignity. The dying process is jolly hard work for most people.
One of my favourite tasks in a recent writing course was to write my own obituary. I didn't overthink it - I stepped outside myself and just allowed my thoughts to tumble onto paper and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
I've had my share of practice runs of dying on several occasions to the point of feeling immensely peaceful at the prospect of death. I reached a state where anxiety and other difficult emotions were utterly absent. These experiences have led to a considerable amount of time spent putting processes in place documenting how I want my dying and death to look and those entrusted to make decisions on my behalf.
I've watched three family members dying and deaths and I've arranged their celebrations adding the FUN into their funerals. Fortunately, all three had been very specific with instructions, making arrangements easier. One request involved thinking creatively about holding a Viking-style ceremony while respecting British law.
It sounds like you've had plenty experience of death and dying already Shazz. I feel like I'm a relative newcomer by comparison. It's a great thing to be clear about your preferences and let your family know your wishes though, this is something I need to do.
I love this. I think about death almost every day, it helps me feel like using every day, also makes me think about what I'm building while I'm here. My next manuscript is very death-centric.
I thought I was afraid of death until I almost died. When my cancer relapsed suddenly and catastrophically in 2018 I developed pneumonia and was rushed to intensive care. My wife was told to expect the worst and that I could die within 48 hours - or recover. My brother drove 400 miles through the night to be at the hospital with her. But I did recover, slowly and painfully. It was another six months before I could walk more than 400 yards. Now I think about death daily, but with curiosity rather than fear. A few things have helped me not to be afraid - the love of family and friends, the writers and artists who sustain me every day with their work (some of them know who they are), walking in Pontburn Wood, and a deeper appreciation of life. I think if you love life deeply, then, paradoxically, death is something less to be feared.
Nodding in strong agreement with that final sentence Wayne. Thanks for sharing your experience, so interesting to hear people's different perspectives.
Totally. It's fascinating to hear that others have had much more long-term preoccupations with death, as it's really only something that I've spent much time thinking about recently. I was brought up in quite a death-friendly environment though (daughter of a vicar where funerals etc were the norm...in a good way...)
I've just found your substance and read several of your articles. Your writing touches a chord with me. Like many of your respondents, I've thought about death since I was a child, always with curiosity. I wrote a poem about death as a young teenager. It fascinated me, still does, that every year I live a day which one year will be my death day but I can't reflect on that because, unlike my birthday, I don't know when it is. I'm 64 now so logically have fewer years left than I have lived. I adore life, I will miss this crazy mixed up world when I go. But death doesn't bother me, it intrigues me. And no I'm not morbid, just curious.
I had an accident and should have died but my sons saved my life and made the decision (operation on my brain) without knowing what the result would be - if I would wake up or who I would be when I woke up. Six days later I woke up and 7 years later I can do all the things I want to do....life is for living but when I go I want my sons, family and friends to remember me fondly and to have the joy of this life. How they do that is up to them.
This is such an interesting and thought provoking piece Grace. I think about death all of the time. A daily reflection since 3 people in my life all died within 18 months of one another over the pandemic period of 2020 & 2021. My best friend died by suicide and the range of emotions I have felt around my grief have been immense. What’s practically hard (I know this ain’t quite the topic) is how to sit with and express my grief. Painting and writing have helped. I think it needs to move through us.
The other two people, like the people you mention you are working with, both had terminal cancer diagnoses.
It was remarkable to see in my family and in turn society how poorly we are prepared for death, and how we do the upmost to pretend illness and death are ‘over there’ and to think about dying or our own death is morbid.
Who knows how I would feel in those exact same circumstances but I’d like to think I’d go against the grain and have my own FUNeral. With many of the elements mentioned; bright colourful outfits, dancing, memory sharing and yes, doodles on the coffin. Tell me how much you love me when I’m alive! Not at my funeral when I can’t hear the words I need to.
I became a Doula in 2019 after a traumatic birth experience. That also made me contemplate death as I lost a large amount of blood. Since then I’ve had a fascination with the life, death cycle. I often look to nature in amazement at how wonderful she does it. No clinging on, a gentle letting go. It’s also made me consider whether I want to (when my children are older) actually train to be a death Doula. Seems only fitting to know how to embrace our most vulnerable at both ends of the spectrum.
Also, when navigating my grief and how to approach death (my families and my own), I turned to books to better understand a topic which wasn’t being discussed around me (nor to my recollection as a child). I hope these may help someone else:
1) We all know how this ends: Lessons about life and living from working with death and dying by Anna Lyons and Louise Winter
2) Do Death: For A Life Better Lived by Amanda Blainey.
I think about probably more than I should, and always out of fear that someday it’ll all be over, and that the only way I can avoid mourning everyone who’s important to me dying is if I die first.
I think about my own or others' deaths every day. I plan funerals in my head. I've always done this, i.e. since I was a child. I think it helps me distill my feelings for people. Once I read on social media that a preoccupation with death can be associated with ADHD but never found any research to back that up so don't know why.
That's so interesting Rosa! Planning funerals - what would you like your own funeral to be like? I would say my own preoccupation with death are largely related to suicidal ideation, and the feeling of not wanting to be here/alive, rather than feeling preoccupied with the moment of death itself.
I think death was present in my childhood from as long as I can remember due to the tragic early deaths of both my grandparents before I was born and the long lasting impact it had in our family. I think when you realise how cataclysmic it can be, it holds your thoughts.
I strongly relate to this sentiment too Grace. When I’ve had bouts of anxiety and depression my suicidal ideation is always about death - I’d say that my children by and large are the ones who keep me tethered. Not that they know it..but I know from my own experience, that when someone dies by suicide the pain is passed on. I know my life hasn’t been the same since my friend decided to die in that way...and so it’s grounding to know, actually, I don’t want them to have to live the pain I wasn’t able to process.
These things are so important to talk about aren’t they.
To think there are so many people living with these thoughts in their head by are scared to express them (like I was) for fear that I’d have my children take away from me.
When actually, what we so desperately need is help. Help with the load...but I think that’s another post 😊
Ahh Louise, I felt every word of this. Thank you for your own openness. I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone!
I was very drawn by the concept of FUNeral, which I fully embrace.
I love the idea of death, it's the reward for getting through life and dying. My idea of heaven is that I'd be switched off from my murkier thoughts and suspended in absolute nothingness. Hell, for me, would be the construct of Heaven that I was brought up with - I'm not great with crowds. The issue I really have is with dying, not so much the pain as the loss of independence, and dignity. The dying process is jolly hard work for most people.
One of my favourite tasks in a recent writing course was to write my own obituary. I didn't overthink it - I stepped outside myself and just allowed my thoughts to tumble onto paper and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
I've had my share of practice runs of dying on several occasions to the point of feeling immensely peaceful at the prospect of death. I reached a state where anxiety and other difficult emotions were utterly absent. These experiences have led to a considerable amount of time spent putting processes in place documenting how I want my dying and death to look and those entrusted to make decisions on my behalf.
I've watched three family members dying and deaths and I've arranged their celebrations adding the FUN into their funerals. Fortunately, all three had been very specific with instructions, making arrangements easier. One request involved thinking creatively about holding a Viking-style ceremony while respecting British law.
It sounds like you've had plenty experience of death and dying already Shazz. I feel like I'm a relative newcomer by comparison. It's a great thing to be clear about your preferences and let your family know your wishes though, this is something I need to do.
I love this. I think about death almost every day, it helps me feel like using every day, also makes me think about what I'm building while I'm here. My next manuscript is very death-centric.
I thought I was afraid of death until I almost died. When my cancer relapsed suddenly and catastrophically in 2018 I developed pneumonia and was rushed to intensive care. My wife was told to expect the worst and that I could die within 48 hours - or recover. My brother drove 400 miles through the night to be at the hospital with her. But I did recover, slowly and painfully. It was another six months before I could walk more than 400 yards. Now I think about death daily, but with curiosity rather than fear. A few things have helped me not to be afraid - the love of family and friends, the writers and artists who sustain me every day with their work (some of them know who they are), walking in Pontburn Wood, and a deeper appreciation of life. I think if you love life deeply, then, paradoxically, death is something less to be feared.
Nodding in strong agreement with that final sentence Wayne. Thanks for sharing your experience, so interesting to hear people's different perspectives.
Totally. It's fascinating to hear that others have had much more long-term preoccupations with death, as it's really only something that I've spent much time thinking about recently. I was brought up in quite a death-friendly environment though (daughter of a vicar where funerals etc were the norm...in a good way...)
I've just found your substance and read several of your articles. Your writing touches a chord with me. Like many of your respondents, I've thought about death since I was a child, always with curiosity. I wrote a poem about death as a young teenager. It fascinated me, still does, that every year I live a day which one year will be my death day but I can't reflect on that because, unlike my birthday, I don't know when it is. I'm 64 now so logically have fewer years left than I have lived. I adore life, I will miss this crazy mixed up world when I go. But death doesn't bother me, it intrigues me. And no I'm not morbid, just curious.
curiosity is a great way to frame it Michele, glad to have you here x
I had an accident and should have died but my sons saved my life and made the decision (operation on my brain) without knowing what the result would be - if I would wake up or who I would be when I woke up. Six days later I woke up and 7 years later I can do all the things I want to do....life is for living but when I go I want my sons, family and friends to remember me fondly and to have the joy of this life. How they do that is up to them.
This is such an interesting and thought provoking piece Grace. I think about death all of the time. A daily reflection since 3 people in my life all died within 18 months of one another over the pandemic period of 2020 & 2021. My best friend died by suicide and the range of emotions I have felt around my grief have been immense. What’s practically hard (I know this ain’t quite the topic) is how to sit with and express my grief. Painting and writing have helped. I think it needs to move through us.
The other two people, like the people you mention you are working with, both had terminal cancer diagnoses.
It was remarkable to see in my family and in turn society how poorly we are prepared for death, and how we do the upmost to pretend illness and death are ‘over there’ and to think about dying or our own death is morbid.
Who knows how I would feel in those exact same circumstances but I’d like to think I’d go against the grain and have my own FUNeral. With many of the elements mentioned; bright colourful outfits, dancing, memory sharing and yes, doodles on the coffin. Tell me how much you love me when I’m alive! Not at my funeral when I can’t hear the words I need to.
I became a Doula in 2019 after a traumatic birth experience. That also made me contemplate death as I lost a large amount of blood. Since then I’ve had a fascination with the life, death cycle. I often look to nature in amazement at how wonderful she does it. No clinging on, a gentle letting go. It’s also made me consider whether I want to (when my children are older) actually train to be a death Doula. Seems only fitting to know how to embrace our most vulnerable at both ends of the spectrum.
Also, when navigating my grief and how to approach death (my families and my own), I turned to books to better understand a topic which wasn’t being discussed around me (nor to my recollection as a child). I hope these may help someone else:
1) We all know how this ends: Lessons about life and living from working with death and dying by Anna Lyons and Louise Winter
2) Do Death: For A Life Better Lived by Amanda Blainey.
What a privilege to read more about your own journey with grief, Louise. Thank you. I will take a look at your book suggestions too!
Crying in H Mart 🙌🙌🙌
I think about probably more than I should, and always out of fear that someday it’ll all be over, and that the only way I can avoid mourning everyone who’s important to me dying is if I die first.
I know that feeling Bill. Thanks for sharing.